I've been reflecting a lot on the family reunion we had.
Sometimes I wish I could offer something that isn't mine to offer. I want to offer a place where children can come and play, where parents wouldn't have to worry about letting their kids roam around the house, where even, let's say, a puppy could frolic. I want to offer a big, happy family, a parade of my own, fun. But that's not what I have here. That's not what my life is about here at this time. There are no children in my life on a regular basis. Sometimes I feel like I should apologize for that, but that doesn't seem to make any sense. Am I projecting my own insecurities onto others and receiving that as disappointment? Actually, I don't know.
Sometimes, I receive messages from others that we're too stiff, too set in our ways, we don't engage, we show are discomfort to easily, we don't have a thick skin... like that. I actually really appreciate the feedback - it is helping myself and Honey grow into better stronger people.
Sometimes I wonder, if we don't talk about family dynamics and history, in a bid to understand them, aren't we just doomed to re-enact the same old script all the time? In reflecting about the family reunion I realize that right from the beginning everyone got into familiar roles and defensive positions. I heard someone say "Are you worried about how this will go", "If s/he starts up I'm outta here!", "S/he better not ...." - and so on. I felt I was treading stormy water.
I would like to resolve that next time - seeing how this time was in fact successful as no one acted out on the above - that we trust and have faith and believe we can have the loving, connected and authentic family we all long for.
I know for a fact that I bring the best of myself to whatever I can. I do not seek out to make things unpleasant for anyone, ever. I love my family. Deeply, honestly. I am ever grateful for what my children teach me. From now on I resolve to be very clearly present in the relationship and share this love joyfully.
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